how anxiety did me a favour

14 | 04 | 18

When people appear to have everything in control, their breakdowns and signs of vulnerability are the most shocking. For me, I was one of these people. It appeared I had it all. I was doing well in school, I was popular and I seemed to be a very happy-go-lucky guy. After this photo was taken, I went back to my room and cried for two hours.

Intense heart pain and insomnia for the past few weeks kept me wondering whether I was going to have a heart attack or if I was just restless. But a hospital appointment for the severity of my condition shone a light on conditions that I thought I was immune to. The idea of being someone who suffered from anxiety was introduced to me and this was terrifying. I come from a closed-shelled Asian family and the idea of mental illness was unheard of. I was asked how I could get better, whether it was by diet and exercise or through medication. Nobody knew what was happening.

But I did.

I was given the opportunity to attend a school through academic excellence. On paper, a once in a lifetime opportunity. In reality, a regrettable nightmare. There I was pitted against the best, and my perfectionist attitude to life got to the better of me. I was working so hard to keep up with the rest of them that I forgot that I am human. That I need to sleep. That I need to exercise. That I need to do human things. This evoked incomparable stress within me to an extent in which it physically manifested. I was always someone who wanted more – but this was a sign for me to stop.

The trip to the doctor’s was weird – an experience I will never forget. In the silent waiting room, there I was, someone who appeared perfectly normal sat with those spluttering and coughing for minutes on end. I was normal – and yet, I wasn’t. Having the actual label of serious anxiety being put upon me was even more strange. This term thrown around by society was suddenly me. You know those people. ‘Oh my god! I think I have anxiety because my maths exam is in an hour!’ And I felt so detached from it. You hear these campaigns telling us to stop using these words unnecessarily, such as calling someone who is organised OCD (a very serious psychiatric disorder) and for the most of us, we ignore them. And now, this feels different.

It shouldn’t come as a surprise that having a mental illness is not good. Initially, I felt so vulnerable, so worn down and exposed for everyone to see. I still get some of those feelings now. I doubt my ability to tackle tasks that would have been easy for me prior to my diagnosis. I don’t believe that I can make it and so why should I bother?

Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.

Gandhi

I do bother. I bother everyday. I bother every time I look at my textbook. I bother because I want to learn. My upbringing has instilled a drive in me – one that always seeks for progress, no matter the circumstance. I used this as an opportunity to learn. To find Out how I am as a person and how I can problem solve. The experience wasn’t great – but I learnt so many valuable lessons.

YOU ARE HUMAN.

In no way am I saying that life is a walk in the park. However, how you approach situations and how you react to what happens in front of you has massive implications on what happens next. Be positive. This is a life skill that I cannot stress enough. Being able to see the positives in a situation is a fundamental life skill and one that should be taught in school. It takes time, but learning how to think optimistically improves your outlook on life. When the going gets tough, let it out! Talk to somebody, punch a pillow or hit the gym. Find a way to allow this stress to leave your body and I assure you that things will get better. You are human. You are not a computer. You cannot process things without feeling emotions. Feel the emotions, process your reaction, let that information go and move on.

SECOND IS STILL BETTER THAN NOTHING

Being a perfectionist is great. You almost always do the best and your work is off the utmost standard. It is great until it isn’t – when it becomes destructive. Having tunnel vision on the people above you will not do you any favours and this is something that has changed my life. You cannot do better than your best. Someone else might, but that’s not you.

• Think of it like a weightlifting competition.
• Your maximum lift is 100kg.
• The person in first place is 110kg.
• If you only had one lift, wouldn’t it make more sense to lift 100 and take second or worse than attempt 112 and get a DNQ and be at the bottom?
• Sometimes, you won’t be the best, but pushing yourself to a level you’re not capable of will actually drag you down and slow your progress.

Five months on, and I believe my anxiety is kept under control. Though the way I think isn’t 100% there yet, the way I see life has drastically changed and with it, my mental wellbeing. Anxiety sucks. Panic attacks, the sleepless nights and the genuine self-deprecation bring a sense of realism to the posters and advertisements we see about the realities of mental illness. But it isn’t all bad. Use your life as an opportunity to learn. Even in adversity, find ways to see things as chances to become a better person- and eventually you will become one.